Spring is upon us… Which means summer is right around the corner. And that used to TERRIFY me. I mean like reallyyyy terrify me. Shorts, tank tops, and the worst of them all, BIKINIS.
But something crazy happened today…
Today was my first day of sunny warm weather at home. UV index of 9 and the perfect opportunity to begin my summer tan. I put on my new bright orange bikini, grabbed my school stuff, and went outside to lay by the pool.
You are probably asking, “what is that so significant about that,” right?
Well as I was sitting outside crouched over doing a marketing assignment, I realized that on my walk outside to the pool I did not look in the mirror and absolutely despise myself.
For the FIRST TIME EVER I put on a bikini and felt GOOD. Not because I look any different than in the past. Nope. That’s not it. The hard work I’ve done focusing on my mind has ACTUALLY worked and isn’t just a load of useless woo-woo bullshit.
If you’ve been following along at all, you probably know that the past year has been the most transitional period of my entire life mentally. But it did not come easy and it unfortunately didn’t come without me hitting rock bottom first.
I want to share my journey and what I learned. Not because I’m some influential hero or have it all figured out. Trust me, I still have my daily battles and loving yourself does not come easy by any means.
Like many others, my self & body hatred ran deep and began early on. I was called “thick” or “chunky” by distant family members as a child. I was never the same size as my friends and could never share clothes with them. I let comments like “its just your genetics” become a part of my identity. I always thought something was wrong with me because I did not look like my classmates growing up. Or at least to myself I didn’t.
A year ago I was at my lowest of lows. And I had everyone around me FOOLED. In early 2020 I had started a YouTube channel, I dove more into social media, I posted all about working out and healthy recipes. Someone hire me as an actress actually, I played all of you and did that shit well.
Behind closed doors, I cried at the thought of going in public, I got sick to the point of throwing up thinking about wearing a swimsuit in front of people, I spoke to myself relentlessly, I would restrict what I ate and then later on binge, I was depressed about transferring from LSU and not having a plan, my grades were shit, pretty much a downward spiral in every aspect of my life.
I preached about self-love but I didn’t even know what that was for myself. I couldn’t love myself. I didn’t even value myself. And you can’t possibly love something that you don’t value.
But things have finally changed! And I feel so pulled to share what I incorporated into my life that really transformed my mindset in case someone else needs a saving grace. God knows I did.
This isn’t about losing 20 pounds or changing your physical appearance. This isn’t about a good workout program or healthy recipes. If you only seem to love your body when you’re under a certain weight or wear a certain size then I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that is not self love.
Its been about 8 months of working on my mental health, learning how to process my thoughts, accepting my feelings, and learning how to kindly speak to and treat myself. Things I never thought about doing before! If you change your mindset, you can change your life.
Little steps and a small amount of effort each day really will put you miles ahead in the end.
I just wanted to share this to let you know that if you are struggling you are seen, your thoughts and feelings are valid, and you CAN change your mindset. You are so capable of taking control over the inner demon that you feel like you are battling!
Xx
Maycie Rae
January 17, 2024
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